Today, I begin the Consecration to our Lady.
My relationship with Mother Mary has come a long way. I spent most of my life not truly knowing her, even though I knew all of her prayers by heart. My family attended Novenas and we prayed the rosary together. But a personal relationship with her only began a year ago, when I was struggling deeply with my history with men.
Her tenderness and embrace kept me together and encouraged me to accept my history, and in so doing, accept myself. I came to love her and appreciate her. The prayers that I used to recite mindlessly, now became prayers of beauty and meaning.
Yet as I read the Introduction and the author’s own relationship and devotion to Mother Mary, I had many questions. Questions of her origin, her life. When the questions came, I was quick to shut them down and to ignore. I wanted and needed to pretend that they did not exist. I was afraid, afraid of where these questions would lead me.
I found myself in tears as I gazed at her face on my altar. Remorsefulness came over me as I thought about the many moments that she had been with me, and yet here I was, questioning her.
I recalled the words of my husband, Jonathan, “Seek the truth. If you believe that the Catholic Church is the one true church, then all your questions will eventually lead you home.” He shared this with me some years ago and it encouraged me greatly, not to be afraid when the questions come.
I held onto her image as I asked for her to help me keep my faith, and to welcome the questions. As she held my gaze, it was filled with tenderness, always tenderness and mercy. I desire for a faith that is true and unwavering.
This is God’s invitation for me, to deepen my faith and to begin this journey of questioning with my Mother.